the anti-heroine of an era of bathtub gin, organized crime, and jazz, clouded in the smoke of fired guns and cigarettes.


62 Things the Avengers are Not Allowed to Do

1. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the food of the gods.
2. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.
3. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires.
4. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around
5. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulks Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.
6. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.
7. Tony is not allowed to insist that hes already done so and that Furys middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles. Because it isnt.
8. Thor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever.
9. Steve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as little lady, broad, or dame. It only ends in getting slapped.
10. Agent Coulsons name isnt Mom.
11. Director Fury should never again be addressed as Dad
12. Agent Hill is not the Avengers wicked stepmother.
13. Clint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission.
14. Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or Natasha say to the contrary.
15. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.
16. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.
17. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.
18. Thor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over.
19. Tony Stark is not Gods gift to women.
20. The Avengers do not need matching uniforms.
21. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger boom in the lab.
22. Thor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer.
23. The Avengers will not be celebrating Steves 94th birthday.
24. The laboratory is not Tony and Bruces Super Secret Genius Clubhouse. They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results.
25. The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
26. Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
27. Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
28. Thor is not allowed to bring down the wrath of Odinson on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts.
29. Pants are not optional at team meetings.
30. Pepper said it was okay is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command.
31. The words Whats the worst that could happen? are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.
32. MC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song.
33. Gumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards.
34. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.
35. Blasting Dont Worry, Be Happy at top volume into Bruces room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk.
36. Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours.
37. Tony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being a great big douchebucket and being mean to Brucie-kins.
38. Steve is Captain America not Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.
39. Hulk SMASH! is not an effective diplomatic policy.
40. Tony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steves hair on fire.
41. The phrase Trust me, Im a doctor never leads anywhere good.
42. It is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.
43. Steve is not to be introduced as Captain Tightpants or The All-American Virgin.
44. The Avengers do not charge into battle, naked like the Celts. Except for The Hulk. Sometimes.
45. Natashas glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is.
46. Tony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.
47. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didnt like the results from the last election.
48. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first.
49. Clint is not allowed to sell Thor any magic beans.
50. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange.
51. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone.
52. A robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone.
53. Nikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.
54. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science!
55. Clints super-power is not being super-annoying.
56. The following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again:Exploring sexuality, Necrophilia, Its getting hot in herr, so take off all your clothes, I hate everyone on this mission and I wish theyd die in a fire, Nick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages, references to Bruces giant stash of weed, mention of anyones erection, or Shawarma.
57. If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isnt allowed.
58. If it makes Natasha crack a smile, its probably illegal.
59. Thor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such.
60. Just because Bruce agreed to work in Tonys lab, does not mean he needs to get a Property of Stark Industries tattoo.
61. Tony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab.
62. Post-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out So let me explain

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